Dysfunction Junction

They Will Eat Their Young, If Need Be

nycdreamer89 — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 05:26:35 +0000

What, too harsh? Well, it’s true. Dysfunctional family members are inherently selfish beings, and they have no inhibitions when it comes to protecting their pride and joy—themselves. Thus, dysfunctional families have no compunctions when deciding to, for lack of a better phrase, throw their children under the bus, and hop in the driver’s seat. Dysfunctional family members are rather coy in performing this action; as a matter of fact, to the untrained eye, dysfunctional parents seem to be loving and supportive. They’re just so happy that you’ve finally reached your potential (you were really a loser before), and they just want you to understand how hard they worked all throughout your young life to turn you into the person that you’ve become today (yes, they are taking full credit for your accomplishments; never mind the fact that you were either a latchkey kid or were left with various relatives as they jettisoned all over the country “sacrificing” for you). What’s even more peculiar, although dysfunctional parents attribute all of your successes to themselves and their superb, if untrained, parenting skills, they are often the first in the family to disown you when you are at your lowest point (and, for extra kicks, they will also exploit you during this time as well). Clearly, your life situation has nothing to do with them, and, since you are no longer serving any purpose, don’t be surprised if they turn on the grill and start sharpening the knives. There is no retribution for this, and very little chance that you will ever be able to save yourself. If you find yourself in such a situation—run.

Every New Year is the Year in Which They’ll Conquer the World

nycdreamer89 — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 06:54:21 +0000

Dysfunctional families enjoy pretending. They pretend that their children are smarter than they really are, they consistently make up their own accomplishments (if their neighbor has a PhD in biophysics, certainly they could and should have one too!), and they fabricate their eventual take-over of the free world (all while researching how to open their own bank and save 17 cents on groceries).

So, it should come as no surprise that New Year’s is a fine time for dysfunctional families to pretend that nothing is wrong with them, and that the ending year was one beautiful romp through a daisy field. This is because members of dysfunctional families love “going against the grain,” as they proudly call it. So, when normal people draw up resolutions for the upcoming year, dysfunctional families laud over themselves and their seeming ability to do everything right. Therefore, this New Year’s, avoid asking Uncle Bob for his New Year’s resolution—he certainly won’t have one. Instead, ask Uncle Bob what he enjoyed about 2009. He is sure to reminisce about things that didn’t happen quite the way he remembers them, or, more often, he will nostalgically recall shit that just plain doesn’t exist.

So, here’s to you 2010–you’ll be another year of insanity, delusion, and corruption in the land of crazies. Be easy on them though…saving mankind and conquering the universe is hard work.

4. They’re Never Actually Listening

nycdreamer89 — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 05:05:38 +0000

Once upon a time, I would talk to my family, insistent that they really did enjoy hearing all about my various endeavors. They would laugh when I laughed, look pensive when I looked pensive, and shake their head when I shook mine. But dysfunctional families have learned a very important survival technique; one that has fooled not only those close to them, but strangers alike for many years—they are outstanding mimickers. That’s right, members of dysfunctional families have developed a very interesting ability to keenly pick up on the feeling that they are supposed to be outwardly demonstrating, without ever really hearing a word you say. This is because every single idea that pops into their head is always, without fail, monumentally more important than each of yours combined. Below, I’ve outlined how to speak to a dysfunctional family member in order to protect your precious sanity.

Do not, under any circumstance, divulge personal information or feelings to your dysfunctional family member. Although they are not listening 98.6% of the time, they have a keen ability to tune into a conversation when they believe that they may have prime blackmail or insult material. In addition, they will probably try to sabotage any positive development that you are experiencing. Proceed cautiously.
If there is something important that you need a family member to do (avoid this when possible), repeat said instruction multiple times, at varying decibel levels, and ask them to repeat the instructions back to you. They will become defensive, but they will be unable to repeat any part of what you’ve said—at this point, they feel challenged, and will certainly recall your instructions, but only for fear that their intelligence has been insulted. Nonetheless, mission accomplished.
Finally, don’t take your dysfunctional family members’ lack of attentiveness as a negative attribute. Since you are a far better listener, it always works to your advantage.

So, next time Aunt Sally emails you a document merely seconds after you explicitly asked her not to, or Uncle Bob serves you soda, even though you’ve been allergic since birth, you’ll know why–they just don’t listen.

When Ornaments Become Weapons: Eggnog Over Eggshells

bunnybandit — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 10:49:37 +0000

It’s a time for magic and wonder, love and good cheer, generosity and good will. It’s a time for delicious food – piles of cookies, dozens of cakes and pies, glazed slices of ham, mountains of mashed potatoes, boats of gravy, warm, fluffy biscuits and fresh-baked bread. It’s a time for presents and the delighted smiles and cries of joy of children. It’s a time for family gatherings and reconnecting and rejoicing with the ones you love, for remembering the true importance and happiness of life.

That’s right, it’s Christmas.

In a dysfunctional family, this means the Herculean task of slaying (or at least mollifying) a whole new monster: the Chrysfunctional family. They didn’t send out Christmas cards, and they didn’t spend a month preparing, and they didn’t invite any extended family. No, the decorations went up Christmas Eve (don’t worry; you’ll see them as long as you would in a normal family. When they get tired of it, your parents will simply glare at them and complain rather than put the decorations away) and this is a small gathering, but never fear, Christmas will be an emotional occasion: but there’s enough tension and (mostly) repressed anger for the whole year.

I’ll skip the obligatory jokes about spiking the eggnog and getting plastered in general to cope. Don’t worry, Dad is already hammered, and Mom is bitterly nursing some vodka in the corner. If anybody should stay sober, it’s you, the sane one, before your brother Chester’s nuts are roasting on an open fire created specifically for the purpose.

Prepare to carry your eggnog over eggshells; Christmastime only aggravates a dysfunctional family. Stress isn’t just palpable, it’s kissing you under the mistletoe.

The Chrysfunctional family starts off the season roughly 90% later than a normal family. Black Friday is not a problem, and you don’t ever have to worry about fixing the lights on the house, because they were never put up to begin with. Yes, everything is done with a strong sense of reluctance and indolence, if at all, from the tree to Christmas dinner. There is always difficulty with the tree. If it’s the standard fake fir, there will be an hour-long struggle featuring Mom and Dad snapping at each other and you kids while attempting to link together a few plugs and fitting the pieces of the actual tree together. However, if Grandma decides she misses faraway New Jersey and her even farther away childhood, it’s time to find a real tree, preferably less than four days before Christmas. Prepare for a half day journey all over two counties trying to find a tree lot that isn’t completely out of “suitable” specimens (never mind that you could easily hide the ONE broken branch with some garland. No, Grandma and Mom find almost as much fault in all these trees as they do you). Eventually, they will grudgingly settle for a tree that looks no different from the first three you saw, and it’s time to head home and listen to the grumblings of any family member who is enlisted to help relocate the poor tree.

Next comes the decorating of the tree, which will entail more arguing and grumbling. Generally, this is left to the younger members while the older members sit back together and criticize. You can take this united criticism as a blessing or a curse: on one hand, they are not at each other’s throats; on the other, they’re ripping yours out (this is a surprisingly stable feature of the dysfunctional family: members will briefly unite only to criticize another member). Prepare to be told that you have misplaced that ornament, that area is too bare, those lights are crooked, that garland/tinsel/popcorn is strung unevenly, that shirt looks terrible on you, and my God, do you even brush your hair anymore?

Eventually, when you have finished decorating the tree and your mother has finished neurotically rearranging it, it will be time to either a) go Christmas shopping or b) wrap the gifts to be put under the tree. The former consists of the younger family members staying home and occasionally answering frantic and frustrated calls from parents asking what they think are vague questions about gifts, while the latter consists of the shooing of the younger members into a bedroom, perhaps to wrap what gifts they could manage with their lack of an allowance (yes, in this dysfunctional family, allowance does not exist, nor does pocket-money, and you can forget getting a job).

Now, the processes of Christmas for a dysfunctional family will always be the same things, but they will not necessarily occur in the same order every year, but this too, is another reliable feature: inconsistency. For instance, the Christmas shopping usually occurs in the same vein as buying a real tree does: anywhere from four days to one before Christmas (conversely, the younger and therefore more sane members of the family often will have already bought trinkets and doodads for gifts up to a month beforehand), and there is no clear factor as to when it may occur, other than whim. Sometimes these varieties of schedule result in the rare but peaceful event of the younger family members decorating the tree while the older family members are out doing the shopping.

It should be noted that while the gifts you receive in a Chrysfunctional family will generally be quite satisfactory, they will range from this ideal (like a cell phone) to bitterly disappointing (nothing), or a mixture of the two (a dated example: a new CD player and a CD you HATE). Gifts can also serve as ambiguous statements: your aunt may give your mother a book entitled “The Ugly Stepsister”, and you might get a dress from your mother that is inexplicably four sizes too large. It can often be a hit or miss situation, and whatever pleasant surprises you do get can be easily outweighed by the disappoints. Thus, it is advisable to simply pretend the bad things are extras that you found by chance. That way, there is no message or ill intent, only luck, because hey, you found something kind of cool. Another suggestion is to trick yourself into believing in Santa, and then cutting him some slack for the shitty gifts, because, come on, the guy’s got a whole world to deliver presents to.

After gift unwrapping and the angry clean-up, it is time for a long day of waiting for dinner to be ready, being told to stay out of the cookies and treats you actually spent the beginning of your winter break making, and very forced and very painful interaction with your more than likely drunk Chrysfunctional family, all of whom are still tottering on the brink of psychosis no matter how many holiday cheery accessories they have donned (these and alcohol can actually add to their lack of charm, so don’t be alarmed if their laughter is a little louder and meaner than normal). These are the types of conversations that usually consist of discussing your future plans and current activities. This is one of the few times a year you see some of these people, so they take the opportunity they think they deserve to comment unnecessarily on your life and decisions. More than likely, you will hear discouraging remarks akin to, “I’m sure you’ll figure something out” and flat-out abrasive ones like, “Only people who can’t do anything else become teachers” or “Psychology is a weak discipline.” Endurance and restraint are good qualities to have in this situation, because you will more than likely experience a keen urge to punch many a condescending family member in his jingle balls.

The making of dinner will be done mostly by your mother, who will insist and complain that she has no help and sigh whenever you are in earshot but demand that you leave the kitchen once you have set foot in it. The same will apply to setting the table and eventually serving every one. This is an example of what we might call “company behavior,” in which a family member engages in behavior that serves to not only endear them to visiting family members (and visitors in general), but to make another family member look bad in the eyes of the visitors. It is customary to not comment on the food, not because it is bad (though admittedly, the biscuits are usually burnt), but because the very idea of saying something even vaguely complimentary is so far out of the Chrysfunctional family’s reach that Santa’s reindeer can’t get to it.

Dessert is usually everyone’s cue to take more leftovers than everyone else and quickly disperse, and after the few family members who don’t live with you have gone home to their nests of insanity, it’s time to clean up. This is where company behavior is put away along with the plates that weren’t used. NOW is when you get to do hard labor and where everybody begins to voice their politely bottled complaints, criticisms, and insults, which until now, have only eked out in sly but nevertheless pointed insults under the cover of “observations.” It’s time for Mom to storm off indignantly (this time to bed), time for Dad to pass out drunkenly after attacking the remaining supply of cookies, and time for the younger members to trudge off quietly to bed.

And here is what separates the Chrysfunctional families from the normal ones: while the normal families are going to sleep, content and thankful for the events of the day, the Chrysfunctional family (it’s sane member in particular) is going to sleep, content and thankful that the day is finally ending and they have a year to gear up for the next.

This is Rabbit, wishing you all Happy Holidays, and hoping they are truly happy ones, dysfunctional or not.

3. Holidays Take on New Meanings

nycdreamer89 — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 07:45:35 +0000

Holidays are normally a time for good cheer—a time when families join hands and genuinely appreciate each other’s company. After all, the premise behind most holidays is one of love and gratefulness; happiness and sacrifice. However, these characteristics often run and hide from dysfunctional family celebrations. Why, you may ask. Well, it’s quite simple really. People in dysfunctional families have one unfailing universal characteristic—they’re selfish. Yes, that’s right, they really don’t care about you at all. So, since today is one of the largest holidays for a number of dysfunctional families, I feel that it’s only necessary that I share their interpretation of the true meaning of Christmas (no, they don’t care about the birth of Jesus, regardless of how impressive their ceramic Nativity collection is, or how lovely their tree is decorated). First though, let’s study the sequence of events that lead up to a really swell family holiday.

In the beginning, it is imperative to understand that preparation for one of these bloodbaths often begins weeks in advance, as the warriors sharpen all of their tools in a frantic fashion. Invitations are strategically worded and distributed, carefully excluding those who had been excommunicated in prior years (yes, that’s right, dysfunctional families disown at least one family member following each major holiday.), but certainly making sure to invite those close to the purported traitor—he/she has to know what they’re missing out on, right? Of course.

Once invitations have been distributed, the dysfunctional party planner begins to create a menu. Often, this causes a state of analysis paralysis on the part of all individuals involved—menu planning is tricky business in the world of dysfunctional families. It certainly doesn’t matter what everyone else wants to eat, since that is completely irrelevant–rather, the dysfunctional party planner must attempt to recall a list of allergies amongst their soon-to-be victi—I mean guests. This seems noble, you may think. But again, you are fooled. The dysfunctional family member is merely worried that if he/she serves food that another is allergic to, the good time might be ruined by a trip to the hospital, or worse, indictment on charges of poisoning.

But nonetheless, a menu is eventually chosen. As the big day comes upon everyone, a sense of quiet fear and reckless abandonment blankets the home. It is now time to choose (wisely) the party game that will be played by everyone—it absolutely must be highly subjective and of no logical use. Apples to Apples or Outburst should suffice. Once everyone begins to play, the fun begins. Each person should take turns accusing one another of cheating, because clearly everyone’s life and good standing rests upon these vital games. Be as ruthless as possible.

Next, dinner is served. This part is key to surviving the warzone—take my advice or risk perishing. No matter how perfect that filet mignon is, you MUST (no exceptions), find something wrong with it—that’s right, I don’t care if that shit melts in your mouth and gives you an orgasm…for all intents and purposes, it is clearly tough, lacking flavor, and a huge disappointment. Of course, during dinner, interspersed between food comments, general angry banter should always ensue.

Finally, it is time to exchange gifts. Now, many times dysfunctional families strive to buy each other very nice gifts. Do not be fooled by this seeming display of kindness; it is merely a decoy. They are all attempting to step on each other’s heads, competing to establish who will bestow the ultimate present and instantly become a figure of admiration and patriarchy. If you are the receiver of said present, resign yourself to at least a year of banishment, because you will never be able to display the type of extreme gratitude that the giver expects.

But after all this, you may still be wondering what Christmas really means to a dysfunctional family? Well, it means absolutely nothing! That’s right, there are only 2 goals for this holiday:

unveil the obnoxious behavior that you’ve been cultivating all year long, and, most importantly
TAKE NO PRISONERS.

Merry Christmas!

The Dysfunctional Parent on Raising a Teenage Daughter

bunnybandit — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 04:09:24 +0000

Nearly all parents are inclined to feel protective of their children, especially as they enter the wide world of puberty and its subsequent sexual activity. We see many a humorous exploit of an overprotective father in a vast array of sitcoms and movies such as 10 Things I Hate About You, 8 Simple Rules, Full House, etc. to ensure that their daughters do not become overly “boy crazy” and pursue a sordid life of promiscuity. But these fathers could learn a lesson or two from the parents in a dysfunctional family. Here are a few rules to ensure that YOUR daughter will not become the village bicycle:

Ages 0-10 Remain paranoid all throughout her young life that your spouse is unfaithful. Not only does this set up the notion of promiscuity in her mind, but you will be able to channel your paranoia and suspicions on to her when she is of age.
Pre-puberty When she begins to complain and fret over certain signs of puberty, pay no mind. She probably just wants attention. Whatever you do, DO NOT BUY HER A BRA.
Puberty If and when she makes friends of the opposite sex in elementary school, assume that she is at least romantically, if not sexually, inclined towards them.
Junior High Accuse her of being involved with any male you see her interacting with or speaking to on the phone or in person. Now is a good time to introduce the word “slut.”
High School Make sure you warn her that any male she befriends is only out to get into her pants, especially if he is older and of a different race or ethnicity. If she insists that particular close male friends are gay, assume that she is probably lying and sleeping with them already.
Until She Leaves Home Assume that she lost her virginity around the time she was 12, and has since had many partners (feel free to mix it up a little, and assume she has participated in threesomes and lesbian activity), and frequently voice your suspicions out loud to her. Now is a good time to bring back the word “slut.”

Other Useful Tips

Be sure to forbid her from associating with certain people whom you have never met or spoken to. These certain people may include but are not limited to: older males, males of different race/ethnicity, males in general, and her slutty friends.

Make sure not to educate or talk to her about birth control. Knowledge about contraceptives will just lead to using contraceptives.

Yes, raising a virtuous daughter is a task indeed, but with this helpful guide, maybe it won’t be impossible. Remember, it’s always a good idea to reinforce that your daughter is a whore; never mind the fact that she wasn’t kissed until she was 16; never mind that she’s never quite had a steady boyfriend; and certainly never mind your own hypocrisies and double standards. Nosiree, your girl needs to be whipped into chaste shape. And remember, it’s never a bad time to use the word “slut!”

2. You’ll Never Become Egotistical

nycdreamer89 — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 00:34:05 +0000

One thing that’s always excessively solid about having a dysfunctional family is that you’re never in danger of becoming overly egotistical (that is, unless you’re the narcissist who initiates the verbal bashing). Dysfunctional family members are delicate creatures who often become threatened by anyone who demonstrates a talent that they have not acquired. Therefore, if, for just one moment, you feel as though your head may be taking up more surface space than it should, all you have to do is present a recently spawned creative project to one of your family members. Preferably, this should be done approximately 2 hours or less before a large and important event that depends on said creative project. In a matter of a few seconds, your dysfunctional family member should have absolutely no problem picking out every possible flaw in what you’ve done, and bringing you right back down to earth where you belong. You thought that opening sentence was a real hook…well HA, Aunt Bertha thinks it makes absolutely no sense, and that you shouldn’t quit your day job. How’s that for a nice reality check? In addition, if you try to argue with your dysfunctional family member, you will repeatedly be questioned, and eventually verbally assaulted for your lack of clarity and understanding—clearly you’re not quite on their level. Thank God.

1. Everybody Secretly Hates Each Other

nycdreamer89 — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 19:19:23 +0000

Dysfunctional families love to portray a sense of togetherness. As a matter of fact, on the surface, most dysfunctional families seem excessively normal and loving (this is particularly true during holidays and reunions). However, don’t be fooled—this façade is merely a defense mechanism, as dysfunctional families are perpetually paranoid that other families (who are usually decidedly more normal) are judging them. Not to worry though, this tendency is easily broken if one knows how to properly deal with the situation. When at a dysfunctional family’s party or get-together, immediately choose at least one person (the more the merrier) to chastise quietly the entire night. Turn to your nearest relative and begin to make insidious comments regarding the chosen sacrifice. You may experience some resistance at first, but it won’t be long before your conversation partner begins to join you in snickering and maliciously making fun of the chosen one. This is when you’ve harnessed the beast. From this point forward, your former conversation partner will begin to become more vocal, admitting that they “can’t stand” Uncle Bobby either. It is certain that the relative has had many experiences in which Uncle Bobby thoroughly bothered them, and they will soon begin to loudly recall these episodes, so that Uncle Bobby finally knows just how much of a burden he really is. You may begin to remember all of the good things that Uncle Bobby has done for your other relative, but these thoughts cause unnecessary strain upon yourself, because within a dysfunctional family, good deeds are never quite good enough. That 10 grand Uncle Bobby loaned Aunt Sally and she never paid back? Well, she really needed 15 grand, and that sonofabitch wouldn’t cough up the extra 5,000. It is at this point that Aunt Sally has established her position as top dog. Uncle Bobby may try to comment back, but honestly, he never really liked her either.