4. They’re Never Actually Listening

Once upon a time, I would talk to my family, insistent that they really did enjoy hearing all about my various endeavors. They would laugh when I laughed, look pensive when I looked pensive, and shake their head when I shook mine. But dysfunctional families have learned a very important survival technique; one that has fooled  not only those close to them, but strangers alike for many years—they are outstanding mimickers. That’s right, members of dysfunctional families have developed a very interesting ability to keenly pick up on the feeling that they are supposed to be outwardly demonstrating, without ever really hearing a word you say. This is because every single idea that pops into their head is always, without fail, monumentally more important than each of yours combined.  Below, I’ve outlined how to speak to a dysfunctional family member in order to protect your precious sanity.

1. Do not, under any circumstance, divulge personal information or feelings to your dysfunctional family member. Although they are not listening 98.6% of the time, they have a keen ability to tune into a conversation when they believe that they may have prime blackmail or insult material. In addition, they will probably try to sabotage any positive development that you are experiencing. Proceed cautiously.
2. If there is something important that you need a family member to do (avoid this when possible), repeat said instruction multiple times, at varying decibel levels, and ask them to repeat the instructions back to you. They will become defensive, but they will be unable to repeat any part of what you’ve said—at this point, they feel challenged, and will certainly recall your instructions, but only for fear that their intelligence has been insulted. Nonetheless, mission accomplished.
3. Finally, don’t take your dysfunctional family members’ lack of attentiveness as a negative attribute. Since you are a far better listener, it always works to your advantage.

So, next time Aunt Sally emails you a document merely seconds after you explicitly asked her not to, or Uncle Bob serves you soda, even though you’ve been allergic since birth, you’ll know why–they just don’t listen.

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